About Last Night

Sunday morning.  Time to reflect on the previous night’s activities.

We went out to a house party with some friends that we have known for quite some time now.   They are the most gracious hosts ever and really go all out for this party, making special drink shots, setting up playrooms, and providing little niceties in the bathroom for the guests.   The party was an interesting mix of people and there were many many that I did not know.   I used to be so much better at parties about making sure I introduced myself to everyone in the room and made a point of remembering their names.  I don’t know why I ever stopped doing that.   Last night I did go down a line of people sitting by the fire and introduce myself and my husband to each of them, making an attempt to remember their names.  It was a weak version of how I used to be, but it did remind me of how much more fun it is to be the one making the first step.   We did have the opportunity to see a few old friends and remember what we liked about them … and what we didn’t.

One couple in particular is so sexy and attractive and would be a great 4-way connection for me and my husband.  If only they weren’t drunk, high, or both every time we see them.  I just have no desire to be fucked by a cock, that is pertpetually hard due to the little blue pill, and attached to someone who is so high he has no way of ascertaining any subtletly about how to actually make our sex mind-blowing instead of simply functional.  Four way connections are so rare, and it’s really unfortunate that we can’t seem to make it work with this couple.

So let me talk about the fun parts.  :)  Like I said, the hosts are extremely sweet and kind.  We used to have a ton of fun with them, and although the attraction has waned, we still really enjoy their company.   My husband and I decided to find a place to fuck each other.  He was easily the sexiest guy there, so why not fuck him?  Right?   The first place we attempted to find had already been “enjoyed” by a lady who apparently knows how to make herself squirt.   Good for her, but hubby and I looked for a drier spot.  We found a little curtained off area with a mattress on the floor.  It looked clean enough, so we laid down and started kissing.   He pulled out my nipples and gently pulled them into his mouth, while cupping their voluptuousness in his hands.   Then he took off his own pants, freeing his hard cock and sliding inside my wet, waiting pussy.    We fucked in that room as other party-goers walked in and out of the area on the other side of the curtain.    We could hear them talking and I’m sure a few peeked in on the action, but hubby and I didn’t even notice.  We were just in our own little world.  Sex isn’t about exhibitionism for either one of us, and sometimes it even makes us self-conscious to be watched.  Last night, we didn’t even pay attention to anyone that may or may not have been watching.  Soon, I was asking my husband to lie on his back so I could be on top.   I find myself enjoying this position more and more as of late.   I sat up and rode his cock at all the right angles making my clit tingle and my g-spot throb.   I had to slow down a couple times so that he could regain his composure, but the final time, he let me know that I had waited too long and he was going all the way.  I increased my rocking and sliding motion until he came inside me.  Because we weren’t at home and there was no condom or towel handy, we stayed for a bit with him inside me while we decided how we were going to make sure we didn’t leave behind a sticky mess for anyone who might want to play after us.  There is nothing I love more than continuing to fuck a man after he has cum.  A lot of guys, my husband included, find this too intense and usually ask me to stop.  Last night though, after a short time of sitting with my husband’s half- hard cock inside me, he let me know that I could keep “fucking it”.  Mmmmm it felt so fucking awesome to just really finish off and let my pussy subside to its normal state while still filled up with my husband’s dick.  Finally, I was finished and stepped across the hall to the bathroom to clean up and bring my husband something to clean himself up with.

Mmmmm!  Fun!

Later in the evening I had sex with a friend of mine who hasn’t gotten nearly enough action on this blog.  He’s basically one of my favorite current playmates and somehow, I just don’t seem to end up writing about our exploits.   And unfortunately, his story will have to wait once again because I am going to play a couple rounds of tennis with my sexy husband!

Be back soon…..

Same or Separate Rooms

I assume that for some, the term swinging conjures up images of orgies.  Naked bodies everywhere ; fucking going on among all parties.  My husband and I have been to a house party where that happened.  At one point in the evening everybody moved to the bedroom and soon there were about 8 couples fucking around the room.  Some on the bed, some on the floor, and  one couple in a sex swing.  He and I were a little nervous, but we found a place together on the floor and had our fun together.

More often though, in our experience, swinging is about meeting another couple and actually swapping partners.  A question that comes about is this: same room or separate room swinging?  For many couples/people, the idea of 4 people on a bed together is  huge turn on and part of what makes the lifestyle fun and exciting for them.  They want to be able to fuck one partner while kissing another.  They want to be close to their husband or wife and be able to touch them, hold their hand, or make eye contact while having sex with someone else.  And those for whom bisexuality is part of the experience, the same bed playtime helps facilitate that as well.

Same room, separate beds, is more comfortable for us as a couple.  This works great in a hotel room because there are usually two beds.  It’s a true partner swap because we rarely end up doing anything together, we are just fucking in the same room.  There are pros and cons to this situation.  I love being able to hear and watch my husband with another woman.  I don’t find that I get jealous at all, but for some reason as I write this I feel some jealousy.  Isn’t that strange?  Thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, I get a little funny feeling; but when I’ve actually been in the situation and had the opportunity to watch him, I’ve really enjoyed it.  I think there are a couple reasons for this.  Number one is that, in the scenario I am discussing, it’s not as though I am lying alone in the bed with nothing to do but watch.  Instead, I am either in the middle of enjoying another man or basking in the afterglow of an orgasm that he was able to give me.   In addition to that, when I watch my husband with another man’s wife, I think I am usually watching “her” more than him.  I like watching how she responds to his excellent oral skills.  Seeing her enjoy the same intense pleasure that I enjoy when I’m with him makes me feel really happy and incredibly lucky.

For all the opportunities it provides to increase the sensory stimuli or hearing and watching sex while having sex, same room swinging also has it’s drawbacks.  First and foremost, there are times that the stimuli can just be too distracting and rather than increase arousal, it can have the opposite effect.  It’s definitely NOT fun to watch your husband pleasure another woman while they guy you’re with goes limp.  Now, I’m not saying that going limp automatically makes for an unsatisfying sexual experience.  I can create a whole other post about ways men can and have continued to please me even when their dick didn’t want to cooperate.  But if the guy you’re with doesn’t know how to handle the fact, it can be really unsatisfying as he either shuts down completely or tries to pretend that he doesn’t notice.  Having his wife and my husband in the next bed going at it with great success can be really annoying and not sexy at all.  I also think that same room sex discourages talking.  I like to talk to my sexual partners.  I like to say sexy things, naughty things, dirty things, normal things, silly things.  I am somewhat uncomfortable doing this when we are in the presence of another couple(s) and I think that diminishes the experience for me.  Perfect example, when a guy loses his hard on with me and we are alone, I can talk to him and let him know that I’m fine and tell him what I’d like him to do instead of fuck me.  I can find ways to quietly arouse him with no pressure.  A lot of times, that solves the problem and after a bit, we can be fucking like porn stars.  When his wife is in the next bed, I’m less comfortable just talking to the guy.  He might not want his wife/my husband to know that he’s having issues and I don’t want to cause embarassment.   When we have same room sex with another couple, I tend to be quieter and less vocal about my pleasure.  I worry about everyone’s feelings.  Am I enjoying her husband too much?  Is it going to make her jealous?   Sometimes I might not be enjoying him at all, but I don’t want to “quit” because it might interrupt the fun being had in the next bed.  I worry that I might say or do something that will freak my husband out.   I think same room sex can create a lot of performance anxiety and that doesn’t generally make for great sex.

My husband and I probably feel most comfortable with separate room swinging which can happen a couple different ways.   It may happen simultaneously at a party where we are in the same house, but just in different rooms.   I really enjoy these experiences because I get the intimacy of one-on-one sex, but there is also the option to hear what’s happening elsewhere.   The one-on-one aspect allows me to fully enjoy my sexual partner on our own timeline.  We don’t have to compete or try to finish at the same time as the people in the room with us.  When we’re done, we’re done.  We can lie there in the bed and talk (yes, I may be sexually liberated, but I still like to talk after sex) or go out to the kitchen to get a drink, sit on the couch or go in the hottub.  Whenever the other couple finishes, they can join us.  Same room sex can sometimes be awkward when one couple finishes first.    In many ways, simultaneous separate room sex can reap the benefits of same room sex while avoiding the cons.

Another type of separate room sex is completely separate dating.  This definitely isn’t for everyone, but it has worked well for my husband and I.    One reason is simply convenience.  We have 3 kids and when we date separately, we don’t need to find a babysitter.  I think it’s important to be at a place in your relationship where you are secure and very comfortable with this kind of playtime.  My husband and I have had really long talks about intimacy and feelings and our sexual explorations.  We are okay with the kind of intimacy created in separate dating, but it might be too much for some.  I know lots of couples prefer their swining to be “just about the sex” and that’s a valid viewpoint.   I think separate dating might be too intimate for these types of couples?  I guess I’m not sure.  Just sort of an assumption on my part.   I could write about this so much more, but this is a blog and there will be more opportunity to discuss intimacy, sex, and swinging in other posts.  Wordpress tells me I am at 1244 words, which may be more than anyone has time to read.

So……

Would love to have some discussion in the comments about your experiences and questions regarding same/separate room swinging.  I do moderate my comments to avoid spam, so be patient when you comment.  I check them everyday before and after work and will approve and respond as soon as I can.

What We Do & Who We Are

Lifestyle. Swinging. Wife Swapping.

What is this thing we do called?

First of all “wife-swapping”. I don’t particularly like this terminology mainly because I think it ruffles my feminist feathers. Wife-swapping sounds like something men decide to do with “their” wives. Just like they might do with their tools, boats, or sporting equipment. A wife is not a possession for a guy to swap with his buddy so they can each try out a new model. This term seems to take the female desire out of the equation and that’s not okay with me.

Swinging is great because everybody knows what it means. It’s not a secret-society type word that requires you to be in the know. The not so great thing about it is that it conjures up images of the ’70s; disco, hip huggers, shag carpet (on the floor and between the legs), afros (on black men) and bad perms (on white men) and gold chains. This isn’t too much of a problem for me because I was born in the ’70s and so everything “retro” is cool, instead of dated. I am contemplating purchasing my own domain name and there is a high liklihood that swings, swinging, or swinger will be in the title. Frankly, I like the term swinger, despite, and partly because of, its fun cheesiness.

Lifestyle is a much more sophisticated sounding term used for the same activity. It attempts to elevate this activity above mere sex. I can’t quite wrap my head around it completely because I’m not entirely sure I know how the term lifestyle is defined.

–noun
the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group.

I guess what I don’t like about “the lifestyle” as terminology for swinging is that it somehow implies that this lifestyle is the only lifestyle. I agree that how my husband and I navigate our sex life both with each other and with other partners is a lifestyle choice. It’s OUR lifestyle, but it’s not THE lifestyle. I respect people who choose to be in monogamous relationships, just like I respect those who have a life partner and choose consensual non-monogamy with that partner. Both are fine with me. I don’t think that I am somehow smarter or more evolved simply because my husband and I choose to live our sex lives slightly outside the norm.

On the other hand, the term “lifestyle” does work for me in the way that it takes what we do out of the bedroom and into our lives as whole people. In other words, we aren’t only swingers while we are actively participating in sex with others. We are swingers in mind, body, and spirit 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even in the years that we didn’t participate in “the lifestyle”, we were still swingers. Sexual freedom and adventure are part of who we both are as people. This doesn’t change whether we are making love to each other, fucking a random Craigslist hookup, or changing a tire on our car. When people as us how long we have been “doing this”, I tell them since the day we got married. Even though we didn’t have another human being in our bed until maybe a year in, the mentality was there for both of us. Certainly we’ve ebbed and flowed. Each of us has had times where our sex drive has diminished; unfortunately it sometimes seems to happen in direct inverse proportion to the other’s increased libido. Through it all however, we have struggled and rejoiced in each other, and always come out the other side with our relationship stronger and happier.

So, I guess I’m not sure what we really call it. When talking to others, it’s sometimes “the lifestyle”, more often “swinging”, never “wife-swapping.” With each other, it doesn’t really need a label. It’s just what we do and who we are. So sometimes we call it simply “dating”, “going out”, or “seeing” someone. We also use the terms “playing” and “playmate” a lot. Oftentimes, simply having sex or fucking seems to work. I’m curious what others think. Both swingers and non-swingers; those intrigued and those appalled. What do you call this thing we do?

Compromise for a Happy Marriage

My husband is out of town for the holiday weekend and I didn’t feel like doing any of the NYE parties alone. We had a little text exchange yesterday on his drive out of town that cracked me up:

HIM: Happy new year babes!  Hope you are having a great day.. and thanks again for being so cool with me going this weekend.. Just let me know how to make it up to you ; )

ME: Sex with black men and bi-sexual men**

HIM: What about straight white guys?**

ME: Yes those too.

HIM: Hmmmm.. well you drive a hard bargain.. Ok.. I can do that. ; )

That little exchange made me smile.  I mean isn’t compromise the most important thing for a successful, happy marriage?

Notes:
** I will have to create a post describing my fantasies involving bi-sexual men.
** My husband is both straight and white.

How Often is too Often? — The Perfect Swinging Schedule

Swinging is a funny world. By definition, we are all in this lifestyle because sex is fun and we want the freedom to explore our sexuality both within and outside our marriage. However, there is this odd sort of judgment that happens when people think that others are too “slutty.” Like most things in the world, you will always find people who are playing more often than you are and those who are playing less often. We have friends, a couple, who play way more often than we ever would want to. Sometimes my husband and I find ourselves judging them and asking ourselves how they could possibly play what seems like nearly every night of the week. I try so hard to remember that there may be other couples who think that my husband and I play too often or perhaps that our style isn’t right because not only do we play in separate rooms, but we go out on separate dates as well. This lifestyle shouldn’t be about judgment. The couple in question is completely on the same page WITH EACH OTHER and that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter what my husband and I or anyone else thinks.

Now, if there is a discrepency WITHIN the marriage regarding the frequency of play, then that is something to talk about. We have had so many discussions about what place swinging has in our lifestyle and how often we should or want to be playing. I admit that when we first took the plunge last July, I wanted to go out at least one night each weekend (either Friday or Saturday night). That isn’t to say that I expected to have sex every single time, but I wanted to be out and be seen and get to know people and hopefully at least most of the time have some sex at the end of the night. The other thing that comes into play is that once I play, I find that I really want to play again very soon. Sex has always been a lot like exercise for me; the longer I go without, the easier it is to continue to go without, but once you get some, you want more very soon. So hubby and I were going through these phases where we would play over the weekend and I would be feeling ready for another play date by about Tuesday, while my husband would feel like he could wait at least a couple weeks or more for our next “swinging escapade.”

Our frequency has greatly reduced over the past year as the newness of swinging has worn off. Things have equalized a bit for us and we are able to keep life a bit more in balance than maybe we were able to in the beginning. I have had two playdates during each of the last three months (August, September, and October). Those six playdates break down as follows: one couples date where we did a same room-full swap, one mfm (male-female-male) with hubby and a new guy, and 2 one-on-one playdates each with two of my favorite playmates. Hubby says his ideal schedule for us is to have 0-3 playdates per month, so I am falling right in line with that. We are both feeling ready for another playdate soon and it’s possible that hubby will get his chance this weekend and with one of his favorite playmates!! Keeping my fingers crossed for him.

Lifestyle Halloween Joke

Here is a little funny that came to me via email:

“I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….”

Overcoming Jealousy and Exploring the Lifestyle with an Open Mind

I recently received an email seeking advice on how it works to share your spouse with others.  I will do my best to answer based on our own experience.  First, here’s the question:

Hi there!  I am the wifey in a loving beautiful marriage that has gone on for 14 years now.  I want to let go of my boundaries with my husband so we can freely explore the way we want to.  We have had experiences with different women together while we have been married but I have a slightly difficult time with jealousy-  I really like my man and sometimes I don’t neccessarily want to share him. ;)  I’d love to hear about you guys, if you would like to share with another little wifey the “secrets” of being openminded and enjoying a healthy sex life together without the hang ups of any awkward feelings that may come.  It is an awesome blessing to be married to my best friend and I want to give so many great experiences to him in our lifetime.  Perhaps your insight can help me shed my inhibitions appropriately.

First of all, thanks to the writer of the question who allowed me to post her question to my blog.  I don’t claim to know all the answers here, but I can provide my own experience and hopefully it can help others who are interested in pursuing a non-traditional sexuality in their marriage.

Anyone who describes their marriage as loving and beautiful is definitely in the right frame of mind to begin considering stretching the boundaries of monogamy within their relationship.  Sharing your partner sexually with other people will shine a light on any insecurities or problems that are pre-existing in the relationship.  Please don’t take this to mean that you need to wait until your marriage is perfect before beginning your explorations.  No marriage is perfect!  What you do need, however, is a willingness to examine these feelings as they crop up and have true, open, honest communication with your spouse.  When we decided to take a more serious look at the lifestyle last year, it was important to me that any text message flirtations were saved on each of our phones and that we read them at the end of a day.  I didn’t want any “secret” flirting going on that I wasn’t aware of, and I didn’t want to feel as though I was texting things to other men that I wouldn’t want my husband to see/read.  So even on the days when he told me that I could delete the messages without him reading them, I’d ask him to please just read them anyway.  It was a bit of a safety net for me.

I love the part of your email where you say that you really like your hubby and don’t necessarily want to share him.  I have this exact same feeling.  There are some couples in the lifestyle who get really turned on by the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  For me, it’s never been about that.  Instead, I enjoy the freedom to explore my sexuality with other partners and am willing to offer my husband that same freedom because I love him, but also because I am getting something in return.  You don’t mention your sexuality in your email.  I know that many women in the lifestyle are bi-sexual, but for me, threesomes with other women would never be a satisfying option for me in this lifestyle.  I am 100% straight and enjoy men so much (both in and out of the bedroom).   You say in your email that you want to “give so many great experiences” to your husband in your lifetime.  I would encourage you to think of the lifestyle not as something you are giving to your husband, but an exciting adventure that the two of you are embarking upon.  An adventure which both of you can and should get equal enjoyment from.  Think about your own needs, wants, and desires and how the lifestyle might help you explore them.  Then consider offering your husband the kind of freedom he needs to do the same.

The Very First Blog Post

Welcome to our brand new blog! We are a happily married couple living in the suburbs who also happen to be swingers. Yes, that’s right, we have recreational sex with other singles and couples. It’s not exactly an open marriage, but more of a hobby that we share. We first began exploring “the lifestyle” (as it is known to insiders) very early in our marriage. We have had a variety of experiences over the years and the level of our involvement has varied. Some years we were simply experimenting, other years we were completely monogamous, and there was even a spell where we were almost celibate. Last year, we joined an online lifestyle website and we are more involved than ever. In our eighteen years of marriage, we have really learned a lot about ourselves, our relationship, sexuality, communication, and so much more. Swinging has been a huge part of that.

I am so excited about this blog for many reasons. I have blogged off and on since the early 90’s. I find it is a great way to express myself, explore my inner psyche, connect with a larger audience, share my insights, and learn from myself and others. In addition, the last year of being in the lifestyle has really allowed me to watch the dynamics of other couples trying to navigate this alternative sexuality. It can be really difficult and sometimes causes some tension for couples. Although my husband and I aren’t immune to this tension, we seem to have a pretty good handle on it, and I think we have some insight to share with others.

So, if you happen to be here for our very first post, we’d love to hear from you! What kind of posts interest you? Do you have any questions we can answer for you? Looking very forward to this new blogging adventure!