Same or Separate Rooms

I assume that for some, the term swinging conjures up images of orgies.  Naked bodies everywhere ; fucking going on among all parties.  My husband and I have been to a house party where that happened.  At one point in the evening everybody moved to the bedroom and soon there were about 8 couples fucking around the room.  Some on the bed, some on the floor, and  one couple in a sex swing.  He and I were a little nervous, but we found a place together on the floor and had our fun together.

More often though, in our experience, swinging is about meeting another couple and actually swapping partners.  A question that comes about is this: same room or separate room swinging?  For many couples/people, the idea of 4 people on a bed together is  huge turn on and part of what makes the lifestyle fun and exciting for them.  They want to be able to fuck one partner while kissing another.  They want to be close to their husband or wife and be able to touch them, hold their hand, or make eye contact while having sex with someone else.  And those for whom bisexuality is part of the experience, the same bed playtime helps facilitate that as well.

Same room, separate beds, is more comfortable for us as a couple.  This works great in a hotel room because there are usually two beds.  It’s a true partner swap because we rarely end up doing anything together, we are just fucking in the same room.  There are pros and cons to this situation.  I love being able to hear and watch my husband with another woman.  I don’t find that I get jealous at all, but for some reason as I write this I feel some jealousy.  Isn’t that strange?  Thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, I get a little funny feeling; but when I’ve actually been in the situation and had the opportunity to watch him, I’ve really enjoyed it.  I think there are a couple reasons for this.  Number one is that, in the scenario I am discussing, it’s not as though I am lying alone in the bed with nothing to do but watch.  Instead, I am either in the middle of enjoying another man or basking in the afterglow of an orgasm that he was able to give me.   In addition to that, when I watch my husband with another man’s wife, I think I am usually watching “her” more than him.  I like watching how she responds to his excellent oral skills.  Seeing her enjoy the same intense pleasure that I enjoy when I’m with him makes me feel really happy and incredibly lucky.

For all the opportunities it provides to increase the sensory stimuli or hearing and watching sex while having sex, same room swinging also has it’s drawbacks.  First and foremost, there are times that the stimuli can just be too distracting and rather than increase arousal, it can have the opposite effect.  It’s definitely NOT fun to watch your husband pleasure another woman while they guy you’re with goes limp.  Now, I’m not saying that going limp automatically makes for an unsatisfying sexual experience.  I can create a whole other post about ways men can and have continued to please me even when their dick didn’t want to cooperate.  But if the guy you’re with doesn’t know how to handle the fact, it can be really unsatisfying as he either shuts down completely or tries to pretend that he doesn’t notice.  Having his wife and my husband in the next bed going at it with great success can be really annoying and not sexy at all.  I also think that same room sex discourages talking.  I like to talk to my sexual partners.  I like to say sexy things, naughty things, dirty things, normal things, silly things.  I am somewhat uncomfortable doing this when we are in the presence of another couple(s) and I think that diminishes the experience for me.  Perfect example, when a guy loses his hard on with me and we are alone, I can talk to him and let him know that I’m fine and tell him what I’d like him to do instead of fuck me.  I can find ways to quietly arouse him with no pressure.  A lot of times, that solves the problem and after a bit, we can be fucking like porn stars.  When his wife is in the next bed, I’m less comfortable just talking to the guy.  He might not want his wife/my husband to know that he’s having issues and I don’t want to cause embarassment.   When we have same room sex with another couple, I tend to be quieter and less vocal about my pleasure.  I worry about everyone’s feelings.  Am I enjoying her husband too much?  Is it going to make her jealous?   Sometimes I might not be enjoying him at all, but I don’t want to “quit” because it might interrupt the fun being had in the next bed.  I worry that I might say or do something that will freak my husband out.   I think same room sex can create a lot of performance anxiety and that doesn’t generally make for great sex.

My husband and I probably feel most comfortable with separate room swinging which can happen a couple different ways.   It may happen simultaneously at a party where we are in the same house, but just in different rooms.   I really enjoy these experiences because I get the intimacy of one-on-one sex, but there is also the option to hear what’s happening elsewhere.   The one-on-one aspect allows me to fully enjoy my sexual partner on our own timeline.  We don’t have to compete or try to finish at the same time as the people in the room with us.  When we’re done, we’re done.  We can lie there in the bed and talk (yes, I may be sexually liberated, but I still like to talk after sex) or go out to the kitchen to get a drink, sit on the couch or go in the hottub.  Whenever the other couple finishes, they can join us.  Same room sex can sometimes be awkward when one couple finishes first.    In many ways, simultaneous separate room sex can reap the benefits of same room sex while avoiding the cons.

Another type of separate room sex is completely separate dating.  This definitely isn’t for everyone, but it has worked well for my husband and I.    One reason is simply convenience.  We have 3 kids and when we date separately, we don’t need to find a babysitter.  I think it’s important to be at a place in your relationship where you are secure and very comfortable with this kind of playtime.  My husband and I have had really long talks about intimacy and feelings and our sexual explorations.  We are okay with the kind of intimacy created in separate dating, but it might be too much for some.  I know lots of couples prefer their swining to be “just about the sex” and that’s a valid viewpoint.   I think separate dating might be too intimate for these types of couples?  I guess I’m not sure.  Just sort of an assumption on my part.   I could write about this so much more, but this is a blog and there will be more opportunity to discuss intimacy, sex, and swinging in other posts.  Wordpress tells me I am at 1244 words, which may be more than anyone has time to read.

So……

Would love to have some discussion in the comments about your experiences and questions regarding same/separate room swinging.  I do moderate my comments to avoid spam, so be patient when you comment.  I check them everyday before and after work and will approve and respond as soon as I can.

Overcoming Jealousy and Exploring the Lifestyle with an Open Mind

I recently received an email seeking advice on how it works to share your spouse with others.  I will do my best to answer based on our own experience.  First, here’s the question:

Hi there!  I am the wifey in a loving beautiful marriage that has gone on for 14 years now.  I want to let go of my boundaries with my husband so we can freely explore the way we want to.  We have had experiences with different women together while we have been married but I have a slightly difficult time with jealousy-  I really like my man and sometimes I don’t neccessarily want to share him. ;)  I’d love to hear about you guys, if you would like to share with another little wifey the “secrets” of being openminded and enjoying a healthy sex life together without the hang ups of any awkward feelings that may come.  It is an awesome blessing to be married to my best friend and I want to give so many great experiences to him in our lifetime.  Perhaps your insight can help me shed my inhibitions appropriately.

First of all, thanks to the writer of the question who allowed me to post her question to my blog.  I don’t claim to know all the answers here, but I can provide my own experience and hopefully it can help others who are interested in pursuing a non-traditional sexuality in their marriage.

Anyone who describes their marriage as loving and beautiful is definitely in the right frame of mind to begin considering stretching the boundaries of monogamy within their relationship.  Sharing your partner sexually with other people will shine a light on any insecurities or problems that are pre-existing in the relationship.  Please don’t take this to mean that you need to wait until your marriage is perfect before beginning your explorations.  No marriage is perfect!  What you do need, however, is a willingness to examine these feelings as they crop up and have true, open, honest communication with your spouse.  When we decided to take a more serious look at the lifestyle last year, it was important to me that any text message flirtations were saved on each of our phones and that we read them at the end of a day.  I didn’t want any “secret” flirting going on that I wasn’t aware of, and I didn’t want to feel as though I was texting things to other men that I wouldn’t want my husband to see/read.  So even on the days when he told me that I could delete the messages without him reading them, I’d ask him to please just read them anyway.  It was a bit of a safety net for me.

I love the part of your email where you say that you really like your hubby and don’t necessarily want to share him.  I have this exact same feeling.  There are some couples in the lifestyle who get really turned on by the idea of their spouse fucking other people.  For me, it’s never been about that.  Instead, I enjoy the freedom to explore my sexuality with other partners and am willing to offer my husband that same freedom because I love him, but also because I am getting something in return.  You don’t mention your sexuality in your email.  I know that many women in the lifestyle are bi-sexual, but for me, threesomes with other women would never be a satisfying option for me in this lifestyle.  I am 100% straight and enjoy men so much (both in and out of the bedroom).   You say in your email that you want to “give so many great experiences” to your husband in your lifetime.  I would encourage you to think of the lifestyle not as something you are giving to your husband, but an exciting adventure that the two of you are embarking upon.  An adventure which both of you can and should get equal enjoyment from.  Think about your own needs, wants, and desires and how the lifestyle might help you explore them.  Then consider offering your husband the kind of freedom he needs to do the same.